Hey!!! I am still here!!!
It's been a while since I last blogged. Maybe it's because I had nothing to say. Or, that I had too much to say, but it was always the wrong words, the wrong thoughts.
Emotions have a funny way of ripping through a person. They just tear me apart!
Sometimes, I envy those who feel nothing. Those who do not feel pain, sadness and heartache.... it must be a very peaceful feeling. It’s not me.
The last two months have been brutal for me! I had a relationship end. I found out that heartbreak and cancer are a disgusting cocktail to swallow.
Consequently, it seems that even when I am sick, people will lie to me in fear of hurting me. They fail to realize that the truth will make me feel better. It will really make me feel better to know the “real situation". I do not fear the truth.
The shitty part about being young with cancer is I still want friends to reach out and hang out with me. I know, first hand, how hard it is to respond when someone you love — someone your own age — is diagnosed with cancer. It can freak you out, make you cry, and start to make you think about death. Your friends pull back from you. All of a sudden, your friends are careful with their choice of words when they speak to you. How do you have friendships and romances when the word “cancer" seems to be written on your forehead? What do you do?
Young cancer patients still have break ups, still want to date and still want to be in love. I still want to have kids, eventually. Damn it! But, being young with cancer, you are chained!!! Finding someone and giving them your heart, hoping that when they say, “I am here for you", that they actually mean it.
Obviously, it is a lot to ask of someone, especially when people are young and want to have fun. I want to do all the things that my friends do. I have a dirt bike. I am going out and riding it.
I know cancer has made me more distant, weary, and untrusting. It has tried to steal the “fun" out of my life. I swear on my soul that is not going to happen. I am going to use all my energy to fight back. I am going to Beat Cancer and I am going to Get "MY FUN" Back!