CANCER: WHAT IS NEW 4 THE STRANGER IN THE MIRROR?
March, 2015
Good Morning Sunshine. Let’s start our day!!
You do not know my pain. I stand in front of the mirror over my bathroom sink staring. I have tears streaming down my face. I am begging myself to just hold on. Hold on a little longer. I try to remember how to be strong. I try as hard as I can. Can I be like I used to be. Can I be strong again. God let me be strong. Let me get through this day.
To Be Honest, that is how I start every day. That is my personal cancer journey.
When I first looked at myself without hair, I broke down. I bawled. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I hit the wall. I was totally angry. I spit in the mirror…At that “Stranger in the Mirror” looking back at me. The sight of myself…BALD. I hated myself.
Lately, Chemotherapy is taking its toll. The more I keep doing it. The more I lose my energy. It is getting really difficult to swallow. Cancer totally sucks.
The back of my head has hurt for days. The doctors worked on my skull last Monday. It is so tender. Ugh! My head is driving me bonkers. It hurts like hell. Just where the stitches are. If I find some strength, I will get over it. Damn head. I am trying to think, but I am all dark and what not.
On Tuesday, I knocked myself out early and had a long nights sleep. Wednesday, the weather outside is freeeezzzing. If you watch Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos on TV during the NFL playoffs you know the weather outside my door. On Thursday, I felt “icky”. If you are doing chemo, you know the “icky” feeling, too. You know exactly what I mean. My tummy is like grrrrr. It is the Temodar I am taking that is causing my stomach to sound like war of the worlds between alien races. Thursday night, I got to watch videos with my friends. Thank god for friends. Every cancer patient needs ‘em. They provide warmth and love. They let me feel “I am still with the human race”. I am still alive. Cancer has not got me yet. Thank you God for making me strong. For giving me the strength to fight this bloody cancer one more day!
That Stranger in the Mirror has Lived to Fight Another Day!
Katie’s Note: Temodar is used to treat certain types of brain cancer. It is a chemotherapy drug that works by slowing cancer cell growth. In some patients, side effects will be nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, mouth sores, changes in taste, coughing, constipation, tiredness, and headaches.
1 comment
Hi Katie,
My name is Regina. I worked with your Mom at Physician Health Partners; we were never close friends at work but definitely shared a nice coworker friendship. As randomly as I have a pair of her skiis, now I share in the randomness of reading your entire blog today. I’m thankful to be doing so.
I don’t know what else to say. You are brave and beautiful and battling the shittiest thing to ever happen to someone. I understand from my own viewpoint. No, I don’t have cancer. My Mom does. She was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in Oct 2013 with an apple sized tumor. I wonder if she kept hearing/wondering what an apple was doing there? Similar to your orange… 6 months of IV & pill chemo and radiation, her treatment ended in Aug 2014. Last month, Rosemary (my Mom), has been diagnosed with metastatic colorectal cancer to her lung. Her chemotherapy this time will be very intense – similar to yours. She will lose her hair. She is alone (her husband died) – and I’m sure she shares similar fears that you’ve expressed in your blog.
I see you, I hear you. Thank you for your blog and sharing yourself. Stay strong. If you want to contact me: fetterolf.regina@gmail.com or 7203205509
Regina