ASHLEY'S BLOG

CANCER: WHAT IS PAIN? PAIN LET'S ME KNOW I AM STILL ALIVE.

What is pain? 

According to me, a singular hell designed specifically to torture me. A special kind of misery tailored to what I cannot handle and then amped up tenfold. The single reason for over a half dozen ER visits and rx opiates which I never wanted to take in the first place.

According to the doctors, pain isn't a real concern, I'm a drug seeker (cancer and endometriosis are totally painless, right?), and I should be fine with what mom picked up a few days ago.

No regard for the fact that I called ahead to request my rx refill, was told to come in to pick it up, and then treated like a criminal for trying to fill the very same prescriptions they gave me last week.

I tell them by not filling my rx you are sending me to the ER, that I'm willing to take a lesser drug, willing to bring in my other meds to trade, please let me talk to my nurse. The ER doctor recommended fentanyl and delaudid, you guys chose delaudid and Oxycodone. Not my fault that both are fast-acting. YOU prescribed them.

So today I went down to my oncologist's office, was told wait a few minutes, then told they're just now writing the rx that I was told was already done so wait a few more, oh wait we can't rx that, wait for 25 minutes since the nurse is in a room and can't talk to you but we do want to talk to you about a pain management plan... wait we lied, just take the delaudid around the clock and hope you're not sky high for the next month. Oh and if the pain breaks through the delaudid... Go to the ER since you're now using your breakthrough meds as your daily meds. We aren't even going to talk to you about a plan since you came down. We aren't going to bother trying to figure this out. Have a nice day.

So, what is pain? Clearly an arbitrary decision I make to annoy and bother my onc and not somethi ng to take seriously. I should be treated like a criminal for trying to avoid the ER and future pain.

Pain. Just another of the glorious parts of cancer and chemo tx. Pain lets me know I'm still alive? Clearly this is the theory my onc believes in. Pain can't kill me. Right?